Here I am once more...

... in the wee hours of the morn at a new emotional low.
In less than 10 hours my mum and dad are leaving once more for Seattle so he can receive his stem cell transplant. Whenever the subject of leaving comes up, my mum's eyes tear up and she says in an unconvincingly brave voice that she "won't cry." I finally asked her what exactly she was so worried about; Seattle is only on the other side of the state, and it's not like the move is permanent. Her reply came down to this: she is scared to leave me here alone. She wishes I had someone here with me, she wishes our relatives would for once be as dependable as she has always been for them. I somehow think she knows that despite seeing a counselor and being on meds I really am not making progress towards mental stability. She's been dealing with depression for most of her life, so she'd know.
This is worse than cutting. This is worse than anything I've ever done.
My father is on the brink of a potentially fatal procedure but it is me who is the object of angst.

What the hell is wrong with me?