MySpace Post

As a part of a deal I made with myself to reach out more, here lies one of my first random bulletins for everyone/no one to see.

To the nobody who cares,

Okay, so I have been doing oodles of surveys lately instead of actually writing something...
I've felt like crap lately. Since I had my tonsils out last week I haven't been able to take my antidepressants/antianxiety pills. I admit it, I've been going a little crazy. It really doesn't help that my painkillers make me even more depressed (yep, that's possible)...and they also give me horrible/vivid nightmares.
But that's not all that is on my plate. I've developed an honest-to-god fear of sleeping. Partally because when I sleep my mind wanders wherever it wants - often to bad places I'd rather keep hidden - and partally because I am afraid to wake up again. I am afraid to open my eyes and find myself back in this same place, this same hell hole.
I need to find a new pyschiatrist. I need someone to just sit there and listen to whatever I have to say. The evil shrink I went to before told me I lack a support-system and that I have no one. This past week, I realized he was right. Even when hopped-up on painkillers and bubbling over with hate and depression I couldn't say what I really wanted.
Such is my life, my head is full of things I never have the courage to say. My head is full of melancholy and all I ever do is wallow in it's ever-growing precipice. I need to take a vacation from my thoughts. Fuck, I'm messed up.
When did that happen, right?
Probably sometime between my open and wild childhood and my journey into adulthood when I realized just how fake I really am.

Feel free to care. Please.
Anyone.